I’ve been conspicuously absent lately and you know what, I don’t care. I’m so tired of feeling guilty about things that I just didn’t want to do. I never want blogging to feel like a chore or an assignment – I’m almost twenty-five dammit and it’s high time that I start enjoying my spare time because it’s only going to get busier from here on out. Marriage, children, careers, 401K, it’s all looming on the horizon and I need someplace to be able to vent, fangirl, and just be me. If I can’t do that on this blog then I don’t know what else is left. Therefore, when I don’t feel like blogging, I’m not going to push myself to post something. Besides, I’m pretty sure that you, the reader, can tell when something is forced and when the writer is truly passionate about the subject. So in the end it benefits both parties.
There are three reasons why I wasn’t posting as much as I used to…
The fact of the matter is that I didn’t want to be on my computer more than I had to when the weather was so beautiful. For the first time in years I was living near the coast and had easy access to multiple beaches. I wanted to enjoy the season, period.
While my relationship status is a whole hell of a lot better than it was in say February, there were still issues that we weren’t talking about. I wanted so badly to move back in with him but he was hesitant to discuss it and this really had to be his idea. I made the mistake once of deciding to move in without taking into account his feelings/doubts. I wasn’t about to do it twice. So I spent the whole summer in limbo, not knowing where we stood. I didn’t know what to do about us, my job, or how to bring it up. Basically it was a whole lot of worrying and anxiety for months.
I’m going to really honest – I don’t feel like I have any close friends at the moment. My closest friends are drifting away simply because we live so far away and none of us are great at keeping in touch. It’s definitely something I’m trying to improve but it’s a work in progress. I’m decently close with my coworkers but I don’t get invited to anything one on one – it’s always a work group outing. I keep trying to tell myself that deep, meaningful friendships don’t happen overnight but it’s hard when you don’t feel like you have one to fall back on while you make more.
Additionally, my family is causing a lot of anger and frustration. Passive-agressiveness reigns king and no one knows how to choose their battles. Guilt, hypocrisy, and constant arguing are only some of the wonderful things that I experience once I get back to the house. I keep picking up shifts at work because I need the money AND it’s an excuse not to be around my family.
Bottom line, there was so much going on emotionally and mentally that I just didn’t have the capacity to blog. Reading, specifically rereading some old favorites, has been the only thing keeping me sane. But the beau has intimated that he wants me to live with him again, I’m avoiding my family wherever possible, and my job allows transfers between locations so things are starting to look up. I want to talk to you guys and use this blog as an outlet for my passions again. And I feel like I’m finally in the head-space to do so.
Have a great day with an even better book!